Emptiness

***WARNING...I'm whining today. I'm tired, exhausted emotionally and have zero fucks to give at this point about anything pretty much. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........wow. I'm a peach.***

 

The last two years I have lived in complete craziness and uncertainty.

"Will we move?"

"Where would be move?"
                                                   
"When would be move? Would the girls finish school? Would we able to sell our house? What if we can't sell our house?"

“If we move to ______ will there be a cheer gym? What’s the best school district in the area? Can we afford to live on Gru’s salary? What kind of house can we afford? Will there only be oak cabinets? Can I repaint the cabinets? I need to Pinterest that. Ohh, chicken, that recipe looks good. Wow, that pool in Aruba looks amazing. I’d like to go to Aruba. Look at that glittery Christmas tree, I wish I had the patience to put up such a beautiful tree.”

SQUIRREL!!!

At about that time my brain explodes because the last file tab has been opened but there are about seventy thousand other thoughts, questions, concepts, worries and concerns that I STILL have not pondered and no more file tabs on which to put them.

(Kachow!!!!!! ***that’s the sound of my brains exploding all over the place when that last tab has been occupied…right before I lose my mind, start throwing out EVERYTHING I see on the kitchen counters and yelling at everyone in my house for everything from whining to licking oneself VERY loudly and slurpily under the kitchen table***)

Today is no different except that I’m in a forward momentum of having to deal with reality. I just looked at my last post. Apparently that day the Wishing Fairies were listening. Why they weren’t listening in college when I wished to meet Lars Ulrich I’ll never know. What they chose to grant me, in terms of wishdom, was the ability to return home.

Home to my BFF.
Home to my fenceless yards.
Home to my amazing school district.

And yes, I called Wisconsin “home”.

Now, I’m hoping that somewhere along the way those little Wishing Fairies also nailed the part where I wished for the global warming that made Wisconsin slightly less tundra-like. Like you know, so that it only snows for like six weeks and then POOF! Spring arrives and my flip-flops can be removed from storage for the next nine months.

I’ll bet those little bitches conveniently forgot THAT part of the wish.

Assholes.

I guess I cannot expect the entirety of my wishes to be granted. It’s like I got the Wishing Fairy School Drop-Outs. They get most of the wish taken care of and then settle at the end of the wish granting activity and probably flit off to some fairy bar where they sip margaritas and high five each other for a job *mostly* well done.

“Meh, she said something about Wisconsin, we’re good!” they shrug their cute little fairy wings as they enjoy their end of the day beverage to celebrate their wish granting mediocrity.

In any case…two years. Two years’ worth of living in constant questioning, panic, anxiety and decorating purgatory.

We are now embarking on building another house. That means we are moving to a rental while we build…more decorating purgatory. I will just be happy once this uncertainty is over and I can place things on my mantle without having to taken them down and box them up AGAIN.

Aside from the physical emptiness of my house, and apparently my head, on my days. I also feel an emptiness in my heart. The last two years have been so trying on my marriage. I've lived apart a total of four months from Gru physically. That's a long time. But more than that is the time we've been separated emotionally because of his jobs and business. I know single parents do this every day...for weeks, months and years at a time. Honestly, I don't know how. My fuse with my girls is so short right now I wish I had given birth to some freaky looking doll things that sat on the couch in a catatonic state until it was time to do whatever the next activity was. Instead I got three girls who whine, question and talk incessantly*. I love them. I really do but I am 147% at the end of my Patience Rope. It is alllllllll gone. I know I'm in the final three weeks but when your Patience Rope is already used up three weeks might as well be three decades. (sigh) I'm just ready for our whole family to be in one place again. Whole and full of life happiness.

SS, who really was going in another direction with this post (my kids are all still alive but I have vivid, wonderful dreams where they are gone, I have a job and there are rivers of cheap, crappy beer in which I drown my sorrows)…

 
*Trust me...I know a lot of their whining, questioning and insecurities come from these moves and they feel the craziness too. I'm confident in saying that I'm not strong enough to carry all four of us. I feel horrible about that ad I'm not proud of it but at least I'm honest. I am tapped out emotionally and physically.