In three days I will finally be able to sit down and, with a fair amount of certainty, know what is going to be the fate assigned to me. I've spent my life in utter turmoil and in a fair state of depression since September. By Friday I will know what my future holds.
That seems pretty dramatic, right?
You're not kidding me.
It's finally coming though. See since September I haven't been able to sit down long enough to form a complete sentence let alone write anything worthy of being read but by Friday all the things that clog my brain all day long will be flushed so that I can finally move on. This whole relocation thing has continued to dump pieces of information, fear, hope, guilt, and anxiety into my brain which has been unable to let go of anything and will be unable to let go of anything until I have a definite answer.
Two weeks ago I thought I had that answer and for two days I was very happy. I was seeing clearly and able to understand what I thought was going to be my fate- if only for a few years- at least it was clear.
And then a phone call came that changed everything.
See I thought we had committed to moving to Dallas. Done. It wasn't a fabulous job but we couldn't beat the location. It has great schools, I have friends there, the girls would be able to train at a top-notch cheer facility.
But then that phone call came in.
My husband had found another job, a better job, better for his career- better for our future. Except the location, oh the location.
I am an even-keeled kind of person. I try to be open-minded and positive- looking at this move as an adventure- something fun and new.
But I heard this and I. Was. Furious.
Not in a 'funny haha' kind of, 'Oh, I'm furious!' laughed the little mommy who was getting screwed sort of way. No, furious in a dark, angry, never before felt amount of pain and anger sort of way.
I know there are people who will not like this analogy but it was a lot like miscarrying late in a pregnancy. I made it through the early weeks and morning sickness (the application and interviews...will I get a call? oh! I got the call! how will the interview go? do they like me?). I had made it through that the 20-week ultrasound (they DO like me! they are going to hire me and pay me! we are moving HOME!!!). And then...
Then it was gone. That future that I had been planning. That happiness that was coming to me after being stuck here for nine long years. Gone. (snap) Like that. That glimmering light at the end of the tunnel of living here in the cold tundra?
I'm still furious. I'm not going to lie. I have expressed that to Gru and it got very...very...very dark when I talked about how I saw myself faring mentally in PA. Very dark.
I still can't make any promises but I will try to survive.
The interview is Wednesday and this Board will decide on Thursday. It's a better position for Gru and for that reason I'm horribly torn. I want them to like him and believe in his abilities but I do not want to go there. I don't know if I'm physically, mentally and emotionally strong enough to endure more years of this.
I cannot for the life of me believe that I'm even considering this but in the last four hours I've considered:
1. Moving to Dallas with the girls and letting Gru 'commute' to PA
2. Moving into an apartment in PA with the whole family so there is NOTHING permanent about the move to PA...no mortgage, no upkeep, no roots- everything about an apartment says, "This is temporary"
3. I even considered selling the house here, moving in with my inlaws in IL for three years and letting Gru take the job and commute. I'm not going to lie. That is still on my radar. I cannot believe that at 40 years old I'm thinking this is a good idea.
But the bottom line is in three days this will be done. He will or won't have the offer and I won't have to guess, speculate or wonder what is going to happen.
For now I must practice patience which is not one of my strong points. Not even a little bit.
SS, who is ready for it to be over...the stomach-aches, the burning in her heart, and the day-long, sleep-robbing 'What ifs...'...